


Hold Me Closer (Tiny Dancer)

by sarcastic_fina



Category: Glee
Genre: F/M, Minor Character Death, Sexually Suggestive, coarse language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-06
Updated: 2011-06-06
Packaged: 2017-11-07 06:26:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/427945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarcastic_fina/pseuds/sarcastic_fina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the wake of a family tragedy, Rachel comforts a lost and grieving Noah Puckerman.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hold Me Closer (Tiny Dancer)

Rachel had been pacing for hours. Admittedly, she did stop at one point because she worried her homework hadn't been done and there was also a tribute video that she cried through the entire time she was taping it, but she'd worn a clear path across her carpet nonetheless. The funeral was nearly a week ago and the last time she'd seen him was when he stood stoically at his mother's side, accepting condolences from all who'd come to pay their respects to his late sister. Abigail had been a sweet girl; rambunctious and mischievous, much like her older brother. What happened to her had been sudden and unexpected and it clearly shocked not only those from their synagogue, so used to seeing the precocious nine year old tomboy fiddling with her dress and complaining that she was bored, but everybody who ever knew her. She was a spirited child, one Rachel found to be both adorable and a handful. It was clear she was a Puckerman; she even had the same smirk as Noah, if a lot less suggestive and with little more than harmless pranks to back it up.

Since then, Noah had been missing in action. Rachel had brought a kugel to his house every day at exactly 6pm, still steaming and ready to serve, but he was nowhere to be found. Mrs. Puckerman was in no state to accept company, but Rachel sat her down on the couch, made her eat, and then carefully probed for the whereabouts of her son. Simultaneously, she tidied the house and made sure Noah's mother had everything she could need as she sat silently crying, staring at pictures of her daughter and wishing things were different. Every day Rachel came back and every day was the same. Noah was gone, Mrs. Puckerman was in a daze, the laundry needed doing or the dishes had piled up, or the voice mail was filled to capacity with condolences. To be honest, though the cleaning and comforting did put her a little at ease, it was the noticeable lack of Noah that made her go back each day. She was concerned. While the age difference between Noah and Abigail had them living very different lives, she knew how much he loved his family and especially the  _bratty_ little sister that idolized him so.

Having used up every available source of information and still nowhere near close to finding him, she had become antsy. Neither Finn nor Mike had any idea where he was and they'd done enough searching around Lima to tell her that from what they could tell he was doing a good job of staying out of sight. While she'd been hesitant to contact any of his other football buddies, she'd eventually done just that, and while they'd been surprised to hear from her, of all people, they answered honestly and told her they hadn't seen him and they were, "Uh, y'know, sorry about his sister, so… If you could like, pass that on…" Boys... Emotionally stunted,  _all_ of them! She made sure to contact each and every gleek every single day, but not one of them had heard from him. And her no-doubt irritating amount of texts to his phone went completely ignored, which would incite a long rant about what was polite if she hadn't been so worried about his welfare.

Wringing her hands, she glanced at her cell phone again. Maybe she'd text him just one last time, let him know that she was there; that she cared; that she just wanted to know he was okay… She grabbed it up and quickly typed in a message, hitting send and chewing her lip. She stared at the call display, willing it to light up with his name, but instead she heard a cheery beat fill the silence. It sounded somehow distant but close; like it was hindered by something… Brows furrowed, her eyes searched her room. The music cut out and then repeated, like a ringtone. It was…  _familiar_ , too. She knew that beat, it was—

She rushed toward the window suddenly and pulled it up, leaning out quickly, only to shriek in surprise, finding none other than Noah Puckerman _climbing_  (rather recklessly and with very little coordination) her trellis.

"Noah!"

"Shh!" he hissed back.

"What—What are you  _doing?_ "

"The fuck's it look like I'm doing?" He scrambled up a little higher, losing his footing and grunting. He was persistent, however, and climbed a little quicker, reaching up and grabbing the sill of her window to haul himself the rest of the way, getting in far enough that his head was through and he was balanced on his stomach. "Little help?"

"Oh!" She reached for him and pulled him as strongly as she could, wincing when he hit the floor with a loud thud and had to elbow-crawl his way upright. "Sorry…" She shrugged slightly. "I'm afraid I'm not used to people visiting me via the window…" She frowned. "I'm sure it seems romantic in theory, but when put into action it loses some of its previous shine."

Arms on his knees, he raised a brow at her.

Suddenly, she realized he was dirty and he looked  _exhausted_  and—and—"Have you been  _drinking?_ "

He snorted, shoving up to his feet, swaying a bit, and landing heavily on her bed, thankfully still sitting up.

There were many things she wanted to say just then. At least a handful of complaints she had about his recent behavior; from his week-long disappearance act to his current inebriation, but… Taking a long look at him, she knew that her infamous ranting would do no good. He was hurting and he was lost and he didn't come to her for an argument but for comfort, or so she could only assume.

Sighing long and loud, she crossed her arms over her chest, turned on her heel and stalked toward the door.

"You kicking me out?" he asked, glancing at her over his shoulder.

She scoffed. "Of course not!" she told him, shrilly.

"Whoa, keep it down!" He waved his hands to shush her. "I don't want your dads comin' in here, baseball bats swinging, ready to guard your V-card from big, bad Puckerman!"

Shaking her head, she stifled a smile at his unique thought process. "My parents are out of town for the weekend, Noah." She opened the door and walked out before he could make some lewd remark that would only serve to cover up his current misery. Pausing at the linen closet, she pulled out a couple towels and then headed to her parents' room to find a suitable set of clothes he would both fit and deem  _worthy_ enough for him to wear. Finally walking back into her room, she found him leaned against one of the bedposts, his eyes drooping and his shoulders slumped.

"Here," she declared, holding everything out. "You can either use my en suite or the main bathroom."

He looked up, eyes moving from her bright smile to the crowd of fabric in her hands. "You sayin' I stink?"

Her smile tilted a little. "Would you like an honest answer?"

He snorted, stood up, and crossed to her on wobbly legs.

Worry clouded her features. "Are you sure you'll be able to stay upright given your current…  _state_?"

He grabbed up the towels and clothes and smirked at her. "You could join me to make sure."

She pursed her lips. "Noah…"

He sighed. "Whatever…" He walked off to her en suite and closed the door behind him roughly.

Rachel listened as the water turned on and felt a blush heat her cheeks as she couldn't help but think of how little space there was between her and a naked, wet Noah Puckerman. Needing to distract herself, she sat down at her laptop and checked her homework. Just as it was two hours ago, it was all finished and correct. She browsed her MySpace page, pleased to see some of the gleeks had commented, and kindly too! She wandered over to Facebook then and hesitated to change her status to something that might at least put the other gleeks at ease… She knew they were worried about Noah just as much as she was and she thought that little bit of comfort in knowing that she'd seen him and he wasn't lying in a ditch somewhere would give them some measure of comfort. Before she could settle on the right wording, the water shut off. She jumped in her seat a little and then stood, trying to busy herself with something else so it didn't look like she was simply waiting around for him. In the end, she found herself looking through her walk-in closet for a pair of pajamas. She stepped inside to change and came back out feeling a little more foolish as she fiddled with the pink and white polka dot fabric. He still wasn't done and she was wondering what else she could do when the door opened and a cloud of steam exited.

"Your shampoo  _legit_ smells like berries," he said, padding across her floor barefoot, water dribbling down and wetting the t-shirt she'd given him enough that it clung to him like a second-skin.

She cleared her throat and gave a jerky nod.

He took a seat on the edge of her bed and let his arms hang down between his legs. "So, uh, you got anything to eat?" He stared up at her with wide, hopeful green eyes and she was reminded of another question he'd asked with much the same expression.  _You wanna make out?_

She shook off the warm feeling that spread across her skin and nodded. "Yes, of course." She turned on her heel. "I'll be right back!"

"Nothing  _vegan!_ " he shouted after her. "Tofu's nasty."

She rolled her eyes, hopping down the stairs and nearly running to her fridge to find him something he would like and she would deem a balanced meal. There was a jittery part of her that worried she would get upstairs and he'd already be gone; having left the same way he came, escaping through her window with little warning. She'd spent her week worried about him and now that he was with her she was unwilling to let him go. Not ready to ponder the full weight of that thought, she made him a couple sandwiches and poured him a tall glass of cold milk. Climbing the stairs once more, she felt her flayed nerves and took a deep breath before she used her foot to push her door open a little wider. The relief she felt at finding him sprawled back on her beg, reading her Cosmo no less, was much stronger than anticipated.

"77 Sex Positions in 77 Days," he read, cocking a brow at her. "I'm game if you are, B."

She rolled her eyes, kicked the door closed behind her, and held his sandwich out as she placed the milk on her end table. Refusing to blush, she grabbed her Cosmo and stuffed it back under her pillow.

Like a starved man, he ate the first sandwich in no more than four bites. She stared, wide-eyed. "Have we forgotten how to  _chew?_ " she wondered.

He glanced at her, down at his food, and then shrugged.

The second he ate a little more leisurely, picking at it and leaving the crusts behind. Crumbs spilled across his lap and a little on her bedspread. "So…" He looked over at her. "You gonna ask where I was?"

"Would you like to tell me where you were?"

He frowned at her. "Don't like,  _shrink_ me, okay?"

She sighed. "I was worried, Noah. So yes, I'd like to know where you were and if you were safe and whether or not you were fed properly… But I know that everything that's happened must have been  _incredibly_ painful and I can't begin to understand how hurt you must be…" She looked up at him hesitantly, only to find him glaring at the floor, his jaw ticking. "So if you want to talk, then yes, I'm very willing to listen…" She reached out, her hand falling against his arm. "But if you don't want to… I suppose I could do that too."

"Rachel berry offering to  _shut up_ … I should get this on tape," he muttered, but there was no malice and very little humor in his voice. It was more hollow than anything.

She waited silently, letting her hand rest there against his bicep, feeling as it tightened and the muscles bunched and jumped beneath her touch.

It seemed like hours before he finally spoke again. "She was only  _nine_ …"

The pain in his voice made her heart clench.

"Nine fucking years old!" He ground his teeth. "She was just a  _baby_ …"

She scooted a little closer, turning so they were sitting shoulder to shoulder.

"The fuck was she…" His breathing picked up, chest heaving. "She  _knew_ she wasn't allowed to play in the road… Especially not that late at night…" He shook his head. "People speed down there! They don't—They're not looking for stupid little kids on their bikes! They—" His voice caught and his head hung low. "She wasn't even wearing her fucking  _helmet_  and I  _told_ her…" He lifted his head again, his face a bright, angry red, tears spilling down his cheeks. "I told her that she always had to keep it on. I don't care if she was just walking the bike down the driveway, she kept that fucking helmet on, but she—she  _didn't!_ She thought—She  _always_ thought she knew better and she—" A sob broke out and his whole body curled into itself as he shook. "She—"

Rachel wrapped an arm around him and hugged him to her side. She turned, reaching with her other hand to pet it down his Mohawk and stroke the back of his neck. "Oh Noah…"

"She was so  _little_ … She was just… Just a fucking  _kid_ …"

Tears burning her eyes, Rachel wrapped both of her arms around him tightly and squeezed.

He shook and let out choked, raspy cries, and he turned his arms up, his hands gripping her forearm so tight she was sure there would be bruises left behind.

He let her hold him until he stopped shaking and then he was wiping his face with his sleeve and confessing, "I went to Nana Connie's first…"

She rested her chin on his shoulder and just waited.

"But she wanted to talk about Abby and I just—I  _couldn't_ …" He wiped at his face again quickly. "So I hit the road and I just—I kept driving. I-I don't even have my license back but I didn't  _care_ if I got pulled over or tossed back in juvie; I just needed to be as far away from Lima as I could get…"

She rubbed slow circles against his back.

"I slept on the side of the road the first couple nights. It was kinda cold and uncomfortable, but I wasn't ready to come back yet… Gas was low though and I didn't have much money, so I came back a couple nights ago but I couldn't… I couldn't go back into the house, so I just drove down to the lake, camped out there." He sniffled, lifting his head and looked over at her. "I got your texts, few from the others too…" He shook his head. "I thought I'd go home first, let ma know I was okay, but I walked in and she was just… She was just staring at the TV like she hadn't moved or blinked or fuck all… She didn't see me or hear me and I just… I  _couldn't_  be there with that; couldn't  _deal_ with that…" He licked his lips. "So I got back in the truck and… and you were calling again and I thought  _fuck it_ , 'least you care…"

"Of course I care," she agreed, reaching over and rubbing her knuckles down his cheek, swiping away the dampness there. "We all care, Noah. Every one of the gleeks…"

He snorted, shaking his head. "You called me  _three_ times as much as  _all of them_ combined…" He half-smiled. "My whole inbox is  _you_ …"

She flushed slightly. "I was worried…"

"You were at my house too," he said knowingly. "Place wasn't that clean  _before_  all this shit and nobody goes over to somebody's house and cleans it up like that but  _you_ …"

She shifted. "Your mother wasn't coping very well and I was worried about you, I thought the least I could do while I waited for you to return home was a few dishes."

"And the laundry. And vacuum. And I think you  _washed_ the windows…"

She ducked her head. "Only the downstairs windows…"

He snorted, shook his head a bit and then grabbed her hand and squeezed. "Thanks, y'know…? I… I should've been there for ma, but…"

"You have every reason to be selfish right now, Noah… As much as she was your mother's daughter, she was _your_  sister…" She threaded their fingers and told him sincerely, "I would gladly field phone calls from relatives, cook a few meals and tidy up the house if it meant you and your mother had time to grieve…" She shook her head. "I can't begin to understand how it feels to lose someone that way… I don't have siblings, but if one of my dads ever died suddenly…" A shudder ran through her. "In any case, I'm  _here_ for you, for whatever you need…"

She expected a dirty joke, but instead he just nodded, staring at the carpet once more.

"She really liked you."

"I liked her too," she told him, smiling.

"No, like, she told me I should marry you and called you her sister-in-law when you weren't around…" He chuckled a little. "She legit told her whole class that we were engaged and her new sister was famous…"

Rachel's cheeks lit up. "I'm quite flattered."

"That she knew you'd be a star or that you were lucky enough to be my future wife?"

She rolled her eyes a bit and slapped his arm. Given the light mood, she couldn't help herself when she admitted, "Both."

He looked over at her, his eyes somehow sad and yet appreciative. "I miss her." A lone tear dribbled out of the corner of his eye. "She was loud and she was always coming into my room and making a mess and begging me to play stupid games, but… Fuck, I miss her so damn much…"

She cupped his face and pulled him closer, resting her head in his shoulder as she hugged him once more. "You were a wonderful big brother, Noah."

He gripped her tight. "I was  _shit_ … I should've been there… Should'a been watching her."

She shook her head. "Noah, I don't want to point fingers, but your mother was there, she told you to go out, nobody knew this was going to happen…"

"She was tired; she worked a long shift, I should'a said fuck it and stayed home… I should'a made sure Abby listened and put on her goddamn helmet. I—"

"This is not your  _fault_ ," she told him strongly.

" _Everything's_ my fault!" he argued, gripping the back of her shirt. "I fuck up  _everything!_ "

"No, Noah, that's not true. You—"

"The fuck I don't! I ruined Quinn's life! Beth's never gonna know I'm her dad! Fuck, maybe Shelbywould'a stuck around if I didn't give her a new daughter to play with so she wouldn't've screwed  _you_ over so bad…" He shook his head. "I hurt Finn; not just with Quinn but I went and hooked up with you too…" He sighed loudly, pressing his face into her shoulder. "I made Lauren think we'd be awesome together and then she wants Prom Queen and I'm too worried about my rep to give her even  _that!_  Not even  _surprised_ she dumped my ass… Wouldn't've worked out anyway…" He pulled back and swiped at his face. "Reminded me too much of my mom and she'd legit kill me for a Snickers bar…" He shook his head. "And don't even get me  _started_ on how I've fucked  _your_ life up…

Rachel peered up at him, her brows furrowed. "Noah, I don't want to burst your pity bubble, but I think you've done your fair share of making up for the slushees…"

He frowned. "Wasn't just that… If we hadn't hooked up, you'd still have Finn…"

" _Or_  he would have cheated on me to get Quinn back two months later even though she was dating Sam… Neither of us can be sure that Finn and I would have lasted after that incident…" She sighed deeply. "And honestly, I think I'm much better off now that Finn and I have resolved our issues and gone our separate ways…"

"Yeah, still can't believe you dumped his ass…" He smirked. "Kinda epic, really."

She rolled her eyes. "You  _would_ think so." She raised a brow. "For someone who calls himself Finn's best friend, you have a rather vengeful streak toward him."

He shrugged. "He always got the girl I wanted… Maybe I like seeing all his douchtastic moves thrown back at him."

Her brows furrowed. "There were more before Quinn?"

"My first crush… Can't even remember her name… She had braces though and I thought she was cute. I told Finn and the next thing I know they're sharing Lunchables and calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend." His brows spiked. "True it lasted only three days but she was  _tainted_ after that."

She smiled lightly. "An awful experience, I can tell."

"Yeah…" He rubbed the back of his neck. "Then it was Quinn… And after that… Well." He shrugged, laughing humorlessly. "Then there was  _you_ , so…"

She frowned. "I'm sorry?"

He glanced at her and then away. "Never mind." He grabbed up his forgotten sandwich and started picking the crusts apart. "Do you get cable up here?"

"Noah…"

"Rachel, c'mon," he sighed, leaning back against the bed. "I'm still a little drunk, my sister's dead, and I'm kinda in love with you, so can we just… I dunno… You up for pity sex?"

She stared at him dubiously, all the while trying to process  _exactly_ what he just said.

He pouted a little. "Pity  _cuddle?_ "

She failed to hide a smile.

He smirked, climbing up the bed and grabbing up the blankets. "Lose the clothes and get under the covers."

"Noah!"

He sighed. "Fine… You can keep the pants on."

Shaking her head at him, she moved his sandwich plate off her bed, brushing the leftover crumbs away, and then circled her bed to get in on her side. "Watch your hands, mister," she warned, wiggling closer to him.

He hummed, turning on his side and wrapping an arm around her, tugging her in tight. She had to lean back over and turn off the lamp but finally settled back under the weight of his arm and against the solid heat of his chest.

They were quiet for a long moment, their legs tangling beneath the blanket and his hot breath skittering against her ear as he pressed his face into her hair. "Rach?" asked quietly.

"Yes?" she whispered.

"Do you think it hurt?" he wondered. "Like… Y'think she suffered?"

Stroking his forearm, she shook her head. "No, I-I'm certain it was quick. She probably… She likely never saw it coming."

He squeezed her tight. "Thanks… You're  _lying_ , but thanks."

Bending her head a little, she kissed his knuckles and then hugged his fist tight against her heart. "You can stay here as long as you need to, okay?"

He nuzzled her hair out of the way and kissed her shoulder. "What if ma never gets better?"

Her throat constricted, remembering Mrs. Puckerman and how very out of it she'd been. Rolling over to face him, she wrapped an arm around him and squeezed his shoulder. "I can't predict what might happen, Noah, I can only promise that I will be here with you, every step of the way."

He stared at her, his eyes glistening. "It  _hurts_ ," he rasped. "Worst than the old man leaving… Worse than giving Beth away…" He squeezed his eyes shut. "She was my baby sister…"

Hugging his face down against her shoulder, she stroked what little hair he had and hummed softly. It took her a moment to realize she was singing Sweet Caroline, the same as his ringtone, and she nearly corrected herself until she felt his shaking body begin to relax. His arms squeezed her and he sniffled quietly, but he laid there listening, soothed by her voice. It was a few minutes before she noticed his even breathing and knew he'd fallen asleep.

She'd known for a long time that he was broken; that he wasn't like other boys. He was certainly no Finn Hudson and to be honest, she didn't want him to be. With the added loss of his sister, she could only imagine how much more difficult it would become to break through the many layers of Noah Puckerman, but it was a task she was very willing to take on. She couldn't fix him, she wouldn't even know where to begin, but she would stick by him as he healed and hopefully she would add some measure of comfort to his life.

Stroking her fingers across the stubble of his scalp, drumming them down his neck, she rested her cheek against his temple and closed her eyes. It was only the beginning of his heartbreak, but she was certain there was some mending occurring as well. She thanked her lucky stars that he'd come to her and that he might be willing to deal with his sister's death in a manner less destructive than he had his father's leaving and giving up Beth. It was a small step, but she had high hopes that it would lead to a very big, very permanent change for him. And perhaps herself as well. She'd known for awhile that she was in love with him, but helping him heal mattered more. What would come of the future, she couldn't say, but there was a part of her that hoped his sister's prediction came through and she became all that Abigail had wanted of her. It was too bad she couldn't be the sister-in-law she deserved, but she would hold her memory close to her heart and to her best to take care of Abigail's favorite person. Both she and Noah deserved at least that.

[ **End.** ]


End file.
